There's only one time I can ever get anyone's attention quickly in this house. I can holler for my kid until I'm so angry I'm red, sweaty and foaming at the mouth and she still takes an hour to get in gear. By the time she answers I'm ready to beat her just for good measure. My husband's even worse; he'll just straight out ignore me. Like this:
Hey, Honey? Blah Blah Blah?...
(more silence, speaks a little louder)
(a lot louder,with some bitchy thrown in)
(rising from chair, assuming gigantic angry proportions)
Hey, *Earth* to asshole?!!"
I ask you, am I being a harpy or should something this simple take a fucking song and dance?
Now, I have noticed that there is one foolproof way to have everyone within 2 feet of me in less than 30 seconds and that is to go to the bathroom. The minute I get my pants around my ankles, I have my whole family's undivided attention. When I least want it. My daughter wants to hug and kiss me, regardless of the noxious fumes filling up the room and cutting off her oxygen supply. The cat weaves in and out of my ankles trying to sniff my underwear and Gabe stands in the doorway and mocks my less than feminine noises and facial expressions. I literally have to haul myself up off the pot and as everyone is making tracks to get out of arms reach I slam the door and lock it.
Happy 4th of July! Don't blow off your fingers.
Henry Rollins is a sellout. Owen Wilson's nose looks like a big fat cock on his face. Nice.