Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 @ 8:33 a.m.

I have an anxiety disorder...apparently.

Happy happy joy joy. Dennis blew past with nary a blustery blemish, as reported below. The only casualty suffered was my emotional state, I was a on red alert all weekend, suffused with anxiety, steeped in fear and I can feel it down to my bones this morning. My whole body aches as if I had the flu; I could barely roll myself out of bed this morning. Fear takes an physical toll, my body is literally exhausted in part because I haven't slept well since Thursday night, either waking frequently or waking early or not falling asleep until very, very late. Or very early, depending in how you look at it.
Friday night found me pacing back and forth frantically in my upstairs hallway with sweaty palms and feet, hyperventilating while repeating to myself, "you're alright, you're gonna be fine, you're alright, you're gonna be fine." If I slowed this mantra for even a moment frightful racing thoughts would crowd my mind, about how I was trapped and I couldn't get away, couldn't get free and I was trapped, in danger and I couldn't make time go any faster, I had to wait it out, see it through. I felt as if I would burst with fear, like a ripe, rotten fruit, like I would become so enervated that I would slip out of myself, pop right out of the top of my head as if there was so much terror that my physical body couldn't hold both my spirit and all of the fright. The psychological sausage theory: if you shove more in the front, some is gonna slip out the back.
I rode out the internal storm, though, and midnight found me curled up on my bed with a purple stuffed animal from my daughter's bedroom and American Chopper on the television. Gabe was suitably concerned but what can you do to alleviate someone else's internal struggles? Nothing, really. I realize that I have an anxiety disorder that is present constantly, but truly takes over when I am confronted with something both large and out of my control. I can't fly on airplanes and haven't in years. I actually have nightmares about flying, like last night, the fear follows me into my sleep; there is no escape.
The worst part of all this is that I will now transfer the fear from the hurricane back to a thousand daily worries and concerns. The fear never leaves it just disperses until it can reassemble like spilled quicksilver. Will I take care of it before it reaches another crescendo? Probably not. I can kid myself into believing that I don't really have a problem until then and it comforts me, the hope that it gives me, pretending I'm a little more sane than I really am.

The current mood of tagamii at


Reading~ Shadowmarch
Listening to~ Pre-op workup
Worrying about~ Daughter's first day at summer camp

<~~ & ~~>

******************************************************* Incontinence - Friday, Mar. 10, 2006

Winter - Friday, Nov. 04, 2005

Greetings from home - Wednesday, Oct. 26, 2005

OCEAN - Sunday, Sept. 18, 2005

More Potty Talk & Ground Zero - Tuesday, Sept. 06, 2005