Ok, Loner, you asked for it:
Select 5 professions from the following list and then complete the statement.
If I could be a crack whore...
If I could be an anal-wart researcher�
If I could be a photo copier repairperson...
If I could be a McDonalds Restaurant food preparation person...
If I could be a mortician...
If I could be a sewage treatment worker...
If I could be a Colombian drug lord...
If I could be a TV network programmer and scheduler...
If I could be a fluffer for porn films...
If I could be a taxi cab driver...
If I could be a person inside the Mickey Mouse suit at Disneyland�
If I could be a sideshow freak...
If I could be a waiter/waitress...
If I could be a call centre operator...
If I could be a dentist...
If I could be an used car salesman...
If I could be an accountant...
If I could be a prison guard...
If I could be an abattoir worker on the killing floors...
If I could be a harpoonist on a Japanese whaling ship�
1.If I could be an anal wart researcher... I would start my stellar career on the floor of this exam room. Then, after skyrocketing to the heights of anal wart research and reaching maximum security clearance, I would take home a particularly virulent strain of live virus and lord over my family with the threat of inoculation. The world shall know me as Empress Anal Wart!! MUA-HAHAHAHA!!!
2. If I could be a prison guard... I would have totally hot lesbian flings, just like in the movies. I'd have a whole stable of bitches & I'd never run out of smokes. Ever. Sweet.
3. If I could be a sewage treatment worker... I would test the theory that corn always comes out whole.
4. If I could be a dentist... I would always make sure that my flakey boogers were in check, unlike my first dentist whose flakey booger fluttered out of his nose and down into my mouth while he was doing a routine tooth exam.
...and last but not least...
5. If I could be an abattoir worker on the killing floors... Sorry, a what the fuck working where? An a-bat-toir? Is that some fancy French shit or something? Lemme guess, they serve wine and cheese and shit to the brokers on the floor at Wall Street? No? Is that the chick that chucks the baton too and fro and wears a tin soldier hat during parades? Seriously though, who would want to hurt a bat? They're so cute and fuzzy. That's a shitty job if you ask me. What's next, kitten stomping? Puppy crushing? Fuck that.
B is a new nurse here that I've been working with for about a month or two now and I have officially decided that she belongs on my shit list.
Open letter to B:
Order of complaint:
Passive-Aggression
This is certainly one of the most diabolical personality faults ever to exist on the face of the planet. If you have an issue, spit it out. Find a time and place to air your grievances, resolve the issues in an adult and amicable manner and move on. Deploying verbal sneak attacks is cowardly behavior and will earn you the smack down. You don't want me to give you the smack down. Trust me. Holding on to every little gripe or imagined slight while projecting the outward attitude of "everything is ok, I'm fiiiiiine" will only enable you to carry around a ton of unresolved baggage which is destined to turn you into a bitter, jaded, poisonous bitch and despite your pathetic, translucent attempts to hide your seething anger, most people will pick up on it and not like you without even knowing why. Therefore causing you to try much harder than you normally would to make friends which as we all know make everyone take two steps back, forcing you to fall back on your miserable unhappy attitude that you started with. See? Vicious circle is what we call it. Try to break that habit, 'k?
Much love,
Tara
P.S. If you don't stop talking about your son, daughter, husband, ex-husband, tits, family problems and bad doctor visits, I'm going to sew your fucking mouth shut.
