FIRST ACT:

I woke up Saturday morning, stumbled downstairs with one thought in my mind: Coffee. I reached the kitchen and before I made it to the cabinet I stopped, dead in my tracks, because there was a fucking river of ants going from my kitchen sink all the way to my front door, via the baseboards with a pit stop under my buffet table. I was half the fuck awake and I had to deal with a million goddamn ants.

Now, I don't know about anyone else, but when I'm confronted with that many bugs, much less in my home, I freak the fuck out. I literally feel like they are crawling all over me. So I whipped out the dust buster and went to town, feeling a deep satisfaction at seeing all of those little bastards being sucked up into the container which was then emptied into the toilet and flushed after my rampage was complete. Fine. Great. So all weekend, they were still coming into my house, albeit in much fewer numbers. I came to terms with the ant infestation and resolved to get some ant traps on Tuesday but sprayed weed killer outside my front door to tide my over until then. Yes, weeds are not ants, but poison is poison, no?

SECOND ACT:

Last night we arrived at the beach to watch the fireworks after much Captain Morgan's and Coke (-a cola, silly) and left less than an hour later because we were being molested by no-see-ums, which are, for those of you not familiar, these miniscule nuisances that are a cross between a flea and a gnat.
They look like gnats and fly like gnats but they're the size of fleas and just as fast. Their bite HURTS, it's like a little pinch, but they swarm, so it's like a thousand little pinches all over. Of course I forgot the bug spray because that would take foresight, which I have none of after that many strawberry pina-colada's.

THIRD ACT:

Finally, I get to work this morning, open my room up and I noticed upon inspection that my orchid is looking a little peaked. I assumed it was time to water it since it's been roughly two weeks, so I take it to the sink and run a "bath" for it, plugging the sink up with paper towels so I can really saturate the plant and the lava rocks in the pot. So once the sink was full I submerged the orchid and an absolute EXPLOSION of ants came bubbling out of the terra cotta pot, and these guys were setting up shop because they were carrying out eggs in their mouths. I am shitting Twinkies because my bug infestation is now assuming biblical proportions. So I have spent the better part of my morning drowning ants and sucking the survivors up into my dust buster that I have at work. This entire drama does nothing to improve the hangover I am currently experiencing either.

Blah.