1. After your wife gets her hair done and she comes home to show you, pull her into the light and just before you do say: "I already don't like it", because she's not blond enough anymore and even though you couldn't maneuver her into getting breast implants (so she could be blond AND have big tits, 'cuz, you know, that's the gold standard) she's still an arm piece and should remember that when she attempts to make any decisions regarding her appearance.
2. Accuse your wife of not going to her exercise class and when she actually attempts to show you proof that she went, instead of telling you to take a flying fuck, and you tell her: "I wouldn't believe you anyway." Because, folks, let's remember, you can't be seen with a fatty when you're the pinnacle of manliness and sex appeal. Bald spots? They're so hot!! Old man gut? Mmmm, bring it on baby! You deserve the best! Take it one step farther, even. When she comes home from her 12 hour shift at the hospital, meet her at the front door and shout "DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY FAT-ASS!" Sweet. She'll be a babe in no time.
3. Turn all of the lights off in the house before you leave for work at o'dark early, even though your wife is *still in the shower and not ready to leave yet*. Women are non-persons, really, and wasting precious electricity on them is totally out of the question. I mean, come on, if she can't find her way around the house in the dark yet, then she needs to eat more goddamn carrots, it's cheaper anyway.
It's possible that I'm being overly sensitive because these women are my friends, but these are not unusual occurrences. I must state that none of these situations actually happened to me, but three separate women one night after work this week. I understand that we all have a hand in choosing our mates and we shape their behaviors as much as they shape ours, but where do you find people like this? At the exclusive Socially Retarded club? Egomaniacs-R-Us? I would truly take that shit out like yesterday's trash.
